Posted from: Honolulu, HI
Next stop: Home, or something close to it. Boise, ID first, to visit mom (awwwww!), then Central NJ/NYC. And hopefully Arlington, TX sometime soon, to visit the greatest girlfriend in the world. (Hi, Liz!)
Here are a few things I run into time and again on tour that, quite frankly,
drive me absolutely insane. Writing here might not do anything to change some
(or maybe even any) of them, but at least venting will make me feel mildly better
:o)
1. Continental seating. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Let’s
put all the seats in one biiiiiiig row with no internal aisles. And there’s
a special place in the afterlife reserved for the twisted bastard who decided
that just basic continental seating wasn’t enough…no, he had to go and make
the rows run all the way to the frickin’ walls, and put the only back-to-front
access aisles outside the house. AARGH!
2. Console designers who make the mute button and the PFL button the same color,
and put them one right above the other. I mean, I love the Amek Recall, it’s
a gorgeous console that I get to play with…I mean work on…on such rare occasions.
It sounds amazing, is generally well laid out, easy to use, but it’s so easy
to not be paying attention and PFL when you mean to mute, or mute when you mean
to PFL (not sure which is worse, it’s a close call).
3. If you thought that was bad, I’m sure you’re with me that the guy at Yamaha
who decided that the on button for each channel on the 02R
would double as the solo button needs to be severely hurt. Yeah, this is a good idea. To solo,
I hit the solo button over in the channel strip section, and then hit that channel’s
on button. Mind you, there’s a select button directly above the on button that
would make oh so much more logical sense for selecting which channel to solo,
but no, we’ll go with the button that–if you happen to not hit the solo button
hard enough–will turn the channel off entirely. Because that wouldn’t totally
suck.
4. Wait, I have a better idea–let’s take that on button, you know, the one
we decided would double as the solo button, and make it NOT double as the solo
button on the stereo master fader. So if you hit solo and then on
for any other fader on the console, it solos, but if you hit solo and then on
for the stereo master, it mutes. Because, again, that wouldn’t totally suck.
5. House facilities crews in arenas who don’t pay attention. I’ve run into some great
house crews, but man, I’ve lost count of how many times the guys setting up
the folding chairs on the arena floor have come within inches of causing serious
damage to my measurement mic when I get stuck tuning around them (not that I
try to do that, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do). I swear, you
could have a neon green mic cable on a black floor, get eye contact with every
guy on the chair crew, very slowly, clearly, and in words of no more than two
syllables explain that it has a very expensive, very fragile microphone on it,
and that even the cable itself costs at least a day’s salary, and they’ll still
run the cart of chairs over it or–at the least–yank on the cable, mic and
all, to get it out of the way.
It’s not rocket science guys–if you need the cable moved, just ASK. And don’t
start me on the guy who, after I clearly explained this, went ahead and yanked
on the cable, trailing my Earthworks QTC30, and then, when I screamed at the
top of my lungs the second I saw the cable moving to not touch or move the <insert
your choice of expletive> cable and ask me if he needs it moved, tells me
to calm down. I of course told him that I’d calm down when he stopped ignoring
my instructions aimed at saving him from having to pay out of his own pocket
to replace over $1500 worth of equipment (and then went and made sure it was
all good with his boss, so that I didn’t get crap from my crew chief or CM later
on…who, BTW, confirmed that the guy was always a jackass, and it wasn’t just
me).
6. Venue websites that have every bit of technical information, pages and pages
of stuff about the lighting system, maps of all the dressing rooms, rental rates
for everything, but, under the sound heading on the tech page, give the ever-so-helpful
statement that, "we have a permanently installed sound system" and
leave it at that. Gee, thanks, that helps. We talking three splayed Altec horns,
huge Meyer arrays, a vDosc array, or what? A Mackie 1202, or a Midas H3000?
Come on, guys, give us a clue, please! It’ll take maybe half an hour to tell
me what kind of speakers you have, how they’re arranged, what kind of console
you have, and what kind of processing, and it’ll save you all sorts of time
answering questions when the sound guy for the shows coming into your venue
calls trying to find out what’s going on, and save surprises from making load-in
day hellish.
7. Web retailers who sell tools to stagehands at preposterously high prices.
Sure, you deserve to make a profit, but when you’re selling, say, a Wavetek
DM-73B pen style multimeter, which Wavetek lists at $49.95 (and is easily found
online for as low as $39.95) for a whopping $79.95, well, you’re going a bit
beyond reasonable. And people buy it, because you’re an industry peer, a fellow
IA brother. I know I treat my brothers with respect by charging them 160% of
the MSRP, don’t you? Or how about that Gator Grip nut driver? Let’s see, direct
from the manufacturer for $16.95 for the medium size with a drill adapter and
a standard ratchet, or $21.95 for the 1/2" large model. But from our theatre
industry friend? $24.95 for the medium socket and drill adapter WITHOUT the
ratchet, or $39.95 for the large. Hmm….
8. Vanishing locals. You’re getting paid to do a job. Don’t wander off. Gotta
go to the bathroom, just say, "Hey, I need to take a leak, I’ll be right
back, that cool?" Need a nicotine fix, just say, "Hey, I could really
use a smoke…is there any chance I could grab a quick break sometime soon?"
(And if we say no, understand that we’re the ones who are gonna be in deep shit
when the show doesn’t go up on time, so we’re not trying to be dicks, we just
really can’t afford to take a break right now.) If you’re a house sound guy,
and you’re on my show call, and it’s mid-run and there’s nothing for you to
do, just tell me where you’re going and how I can quickly get ahold of you when
things go up in flames. I don’t need you glued to my side, I wouldn’t ask that,
and usually don’t mind if you go back to the sound room and work on some repairs
or stuff, as long as I can find you when I need you. Communication, guys, that’s
all we ask. (BTW, a big shout out to Matthew, who was covering as house audio
when I played the Civic Arts Center in Thousand Oaks, CA a couple weeks ago–by
far the coolest, easiest to get along with, easiest to find when I needed him
local I’ve come across this entire tour. While I’m at it, props go out to Beau,
the head sound at the Wharton Center in East Lansing when I played it last year,
another super cool (and super knowlegeable) dude, as well as Eric at the Kodak
in L.A. It’s guys like you who make life so easy for us road guys, so thanks!)
9. Audience members who leave early. Sit your butt down and wait for the end like everybody else. It’s rude to your fellow audience members, rude to the performers, and more often than not, you miss something good. I’m out on a “family” show right now, and it drives me nuts to see parents instilling the, “Let’s miss the last ten minutes of the show and block half the audience as we walk out, not to mention make lots of noise gathering our coats and stuff, so we can save maybe five minutes of sitting in line to get out of the parking lot,” ethic in their little kids at so early an age. Not to mention that they’re robbing their kids of getting to see the end of a fun show that they’ve been waiting months and months to see; you might not care about the last few minutes, but they do! So sit down, and learn to have some patience!
So, that’s about it for now. Some of these things could change easily, others
probably not, but at least I’ve got a few of them out in the open. I actually
do feel a little better now. And now I’m going to go out and enjoy my day off
in beautiful Honolulu, which definitely makes the last nine months almost worth
it ;o)
Till next time, as always,
Andy
(who really isn’t as cranky as this post makes him seem!)
Ooo, ooo, venting. How ’bout…
The “second local” scam, where the house sound guy announces that when you’re tied into his backstage page/hearing impaired/frontfill/underbalc/coffee machine, it’s customary to hire a second man on the call so one person can “take care of the house systems”. Oddly enough, the head can usually do this without leaving his office. Do you really expect me to present that to my company manager with a straight face? Do you have no shame? Oddly enough, it doesn’t happen in the larger cities/locals, where they might actually have the power to get away with that sort of thing, it’s always the guy running a one-man feifdom in Sheboigan… if you’re getting paid, you should be doing some work, don’t you think?
When I ask if there are dry lines going to the spot booth, I mean directly from point A to point B with no patchbay in between. I usually ask this question several times in several different ways, including the two above. When you answer in the affirmative, and I use the house lines, and then something’s humming and you go to “check the patchbay”, I want to strangle you with tie line.
When something you’re depending on, like the aforementioned dry lines, the one elevator that accesses backstage, or those house underbalcs you can’t live without go bad on you and all the locals say, “oh no, not again”. Again? Isn’t this something you should have mentioned BEFORE WE STARTED USING IT?
Whew, I feel better.
Regarding the “web retailer”: He used to be much more reasonable on prices, back when he carried mostly items “unique” to our industry. Since he expanded his selection, the prices seem pretty insane. He does have excellent customer service, though.
How come (”Did you ever wonder why…”) the biggest whiners, complainers, a-holes are stagehands who would not be qualified to push a roadbox around the corner if there Dad/Uncle/Grandfather wasn’t a stagehand? Gives those of us who worked for their cards a bad name.
And what about truck loaders that are never near the truck, but get pissed off when you try to push something on the truck without them?
I haven’t had much experience with him w/r/t customer service, but I can say that, while I detest his prices and refuse to buy from him on that basis, I did meet him at a conference a few years back, and he seemed a pretty nice guy. Just off the wall with his prices :o)
And I’m with John on all of those, too! And let’s not forget the guys who run your ClearCom through the TT patchbay, and then later, when it’s not working, say, “Oh, crap–that’s right, the grounds are all cut at the patchbay, sorry!” AARGH!
And then there are composers/arrangers/keyboard programmers who use new agey chimey samples that sound exactly like feedback. I had a cue that made me jump every time it played for the first month I was with the show because I thought something was feeding back, but knew it oughtn’t to be (”What the hell is feeding back, there aren’t any open mics?!”)
And, while we’re at it, what’s with hotel’s that still charge exorbitant rates for internet access? $9.95 a week is bad enough; the hotel I’m in right now wants $0.20 a minute to use the single very slow and unstable kiosk downstairs or, during certain hours, you can pay $2 for the first ten minutes and $1 for each additional ten in the “business center” (and half the time that connection doesn’t work). Sure, it’s only an inconvenience for vacationers, but for those of us who are on the road for business in today’s world, it’s a necessity.
–A :o1
Andy, what you had said about the online retailer and his prices brought a question to mind. Could you reccomend a good multi-meter for sound/lighting/general stagehand work? I’m not worried about spending money if what I’m getting in return is good quality. Thanks.
Hmm…well, as a sound guy and occasional assistant squint, I’m fond of the pen style, the only one I’ve been able to find lately is the Wavetek I mentioned above (actually, Radio Shack used to sell what I’m pretty sure is an OEM version of this same one, either that or its a curve-for-curve knockoff, but since they have Shure OEM their mics, I’m inclined to think it might actually be the same or a slightly downscaled version of the same; I don’t think they sell it anymore, I actually have one that I got on what I seem to recall was a clearance sale for less than $20 a while back).
If you want a standard meter with separate leads, Fluke seems to be the standard issue with most every electrician I’ve worked with. (Randomness…somebody’s playing a pretty crummy acoustic guitar cover of “Sweet Child of Mine” down the street from my hotel; and I thought it couldn’t get worse than the Sheryl Crow version!*)
I’m not terribly familiar with the specific models, so I can’t really offer any advice on that. Seeing as I use it a lot less often than the electricians do, and more often in tiny spaces and primarily as a continuity buzzer and resistance meter, with AC and DC voltage as secondary (although still common–at least once a week to double-check my power tie-in at each venue), I’ve always not worried myself about having a super heavy-duty Fluke; since I know the electricians usually have at least one or two between them, I figure that any time I need something that accurate and beefy, I can make nice and borrow theirs. (Then again, I’ve had at least a month or two on tour where I had the only meter, and since all our lights were typically on hand-adjusting clamps/claws of one sort or another, the head elec was often borrowing a C-wrench from me, too, so maybe that blows that theory…)
I would say that you might want to look at one that has a built-in clamp ammeter so that you can check your loads on each phase easily. I know the Fluke 330 series can take ohm readings as well as ac/dc voltage and amperage, I don’t think the 320s do (although the 320s do explicitly note a continuity buzzer, while I’m not sure if the 330s do or not).
Anyway, if any of the others reading this who have a bit more specific advice on models wanna chime in, feel free; I’ll also ask around a bit and see what I can find out from some electrician friends.
–A
*-I should note that I do actually use the Sheryl Crow version as a soundcheck track, the idea being that the rather harsh vocals on that track will show a poorly tuned system for what it is quite easily; it’s one thing if a system sounds great with perfectly engineered recordings of perfect performances, but rough around the edges recordings are a whole ‘nother story!
Thanks for your help!
Glad to See you give a nod to the local sound guys. Eric (aka Cynical Sam) has been a road sound tech for many the year. I had the pleasure of touring with him, Hanging with him when he first moved to LA and have missed him almost every time I have been there since. Eric is a valuable resource to any and all touring sound men because he has been there and done it and knows how to make it work. I think that anyone who has the chance to meet and work with Eric will come away more knowledgeable and enriched by the experience. Next time you see him let him know the Big Bloke says hello.
Knuckles